You Know What You're Doing...

The other night I was idling through pictures on the computer and I stopped dead in my tracks.  I knew those pictures.  The ones of my little pajama clad cowboys playing together in the toy room.  I knew them like I knew my own name because that was the last night there were only two of them.  And that night I watched them play and willed myself to etch those images into my memory.  I gave birth to Ace the next morning in a scheduled induction and, blammo - life changed for those little men.

And I was so nervous to bring a third baby into our world.  Because there was already two babies.  Because sleep patterns were all worked out for the most part and I knew a newborn meant system bucked.  Because three presents an obvious odd-man-out scenario.  Because I didn't know how they would react to a new baby.  Because, Because, Because.

And I'm just gonna tell you right now, all my worries were for naught.  That next day, when they came in wearing their matching "Big Brother" t-shirts to meet their sleepy new baby, it was magical.  It was one of those little moments when you can sense that your kids just get it.  That they are all tickled that everyone is together.  That they are worry free about a new baby and all that entails, and, in fact, a change that involves a tiny cooing little thing is downright exciting.

I don't know why this hit me like a freight train the other night, but it did.  And like a weird-o cyber friend, I'm sharing because I think it applies to more than just "the fear of bringing a new baby into the home."  It could be any number of changes you and your little family are facing and I just feel like saying it aloud:  I believe that in our valiant efforts to do our best and raise happy, well-adjusted kids who inhale and exhale love... we're probably over thinking it.  And they'll be just fine.  And you'll do what is best for your little ones because in your heart, you probably already know what that is.

These babies, they are wise souls with uber-clear vision about what is good.  You won't find this stuff in the pages of parenting books but if you're really lucky and you can block out the white noise of the world and quietly tune into them, they'll help you see it all so clearly.  Crystal clear.  And you'll hear reassuring messages that will let you know that for that child, in that moment, that kiss on the forehead meant the world.  Or for that child, that reaction to a misdeed was like a soft cloud to land on in the midst of a sky fall.  And when you screw up and ignore the little promptings... those babies will forgive you.  Pure and simple.

I know it sounds so... cheesy, and, you know, "world peace-esque"... but I have been fully immersed in little ones these past few years and I really know the resilience and depth of these little people.  And I feel like there is an echo to every beat of my heart that is my mama instinct guiding me along the way.  It is true and innate and ever present like the phases of the moon or the rise and fall of the sun.  

No, my boys do not have the perfect childhood.  I am, after all, their mama who is hopelessly flawed and at times tired, impatient and ornery.  But I am glad for our family's imperfections because adulthood can be downright brutal and it calls for the cushion of some emotional callouses.  What I do know, is that I am incredibly grateful for the chance to parent intentionally and individually for MY kids, with a fair amount of confidence that has not come with years of experience, but by this little insight that has made itself known in these precious days of mama hood... my mama instinct.

Now if I could only listen and adhere 100% of the time...

Ain't that always the way?