Motherhood...

Being a mom is simultaneously the most wonderful, enlightening, terrifying, stressful, labor intensive and joyful thing I have ever done.  How is that possible?  Some days I wake up wracked with anxiety because, oh my gosh, there are three little men I'm trying to mold into decent, kind and upstanding human beings while encouraging them to become themselves and find their own paths and keep it appropriate (much the opposite of taking a leak in the front yard because breaking from play time would take WAY too much time... sigh).  It reminds me daily - nope, hourly, of my obligations as a mother, my short-comings as a human being and my inadequacies as a woman.

Especially on days like Saturday.  Guys, I'll come clean, I was overdue a little me time with Ryno having been gone all week and then working late into the night on Friday too.  Week days I can usually handle no sweat, but when work spills over into weekends?  Ugh.  It ain't pretty.  My least favorite hours are comprised of weekend evenings stolen by my grinchy feelings because the hubs is working.  It should be illegal is all - and he was definitely in a lose-lose situation - work at work all hours of the day and then work at home too because I'm damn tired of it.  Bless his heart.

Anyway, on Saturday afternoon - blessed Saturday, I stole away for a tiny break.  I went grocery shopping by myself and perused a couple of boutiques.  I ate Cafe Rio solo in a parking lot full of seagulls while I listened to the radio, because that's JUST how cool I am these days -- wait, photographic evidence -- BAM.  

And the whole time, wouldn't you know it -- I thought of my little crew... "I'm so glad that RyGar and I are in the business of growing strong little men together - just look at my cart full of groceries - how blessed I am that he is a good Daddy-o and provider."  And "I wish the boys were here to feed the seagulls the tortilla strips from my salad... they'd LOVE it!"  And "Their favorite song... I wish they were all in the car right now to jam to Katy Perry's, ROAR with me."

And that's how I know; I am a mom of the infinitely blessed variety.  I can remember the yearning desire I had to be a mother for years - I wanted it so much I could taste it.  And now, I am the luckiest mother in the Universe and being a mother is a part of everything I am and everything I do and the desire to do right by my children and my husband is the same yearning that helps me see even in my darkest hours that there is beauty in all of it... wiping noses, reading stories, picking up toys for the millionth time and making just one more pot of macaroni on a "grumpy Friday evening without the hubs"... because no one does it better.  It's exhaustingly good and physical and challenging and it'll make a diamond of me yet.

All the parts of me are so interconnected now, they're almost indistinguishable.   I'll take that lump o' Amber and run with it.  She's not just one thing anymore, she's a great mix of many things and it's the kind of deliciously complex... so long as there is a little tiny bit of time to sharpen the personal saw every so often.  Amen.