The Birth of a Mama...

It's Mother's Day.

A day I used to look forward to so I could shower my own incredible Mama with all the love I could muster up in the form of homemade cards and treats.  That is, until I graduated to cheap store bought stuff that somehow became equivalent to fine perfumes and Tiffany jewelry thanks to my Mama's gracious self.  

And now, it's a day that I get to actively participate in.

I am a Mama.

When I breathe that sentence out and utter those words... I smile.

I never ever take that fact for granted... 

Because Motherhood is a gift that was hard fought for me.

And it's worth every battle scar. 

I don't think I'll ever come out and type about our painful journey of starting a family here on Le blog... it's too personal and sacred and extensive and covers more emotions than I ever knew I was capable of feeling.  What started with wanting, craving, wishing, praying and being baffled, evolved into envy, emptiness, anger and loss with a hint of public indifference.  And then miraculously it turned into peace, openness, total faith and assurance and finally.... finally.... complete elation, joy, love and what I want to describe as "being in tandem with Heaven".

Does that make any sense?  

I would not wish struggles with fertility upon my worst enemy.  I would do anything in my power to lift that challenge for perfect strangers.  I know the cloudiness that it can bring to some one's life, and yet, I am so very proud of Ryan and me for the way in which we tackled this beast.  It was a journey that we were on, not by choice, and somehow we didn't let it consume or define us; though I can definitely see how it has the power to do so, and I cast no judgement on couples that get caught up and splintered in it's stormy path.  I feel more aware and I have more perspective as I take on motherhood and the challenges that being a Mama presents, having gone through our rocky history of building a family.  And maybe that was the point... 

I feel so blessed to have given birth to insight about being a mama before I ever carried a babe in my womb.  I feel infinitely blessed to have been given the gift of being a reverent bystander to watch the miracle of the birth of one of His children by one of His choice daughters and to take it all in and celebrate that moment of our first born son's initial breath.  To literally see our family begin, right there in front of me, is one of my most cherished memories.  And I instantly became a mother in love with all the motherly instincts that come with the title.

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to carry not one but two babies in my own body and to experience the metamorphosis those nine months bring.  And to feel the presence of my boys long before I got to see their little faces.  And to physically labor to bring them into this world, until finally, their arrival brought that euphoria all over again.  And there it was, surrounding me, emanating from me... that instantaneous, indescribable, fierce love of a mother.

  

And just as those pink babies have stretched and made their first cries out to the world, my heart, in those moments, swelled beyond capacity.... and right then.... when I felt that my chest would burst open, I became a mama.... A partner with God, whomever He is to you, who accepts a vow to keep and care for one of His children in the best way possible with His divine inspiration.

I can honestly say that no matter the method, the story, the biology of it all - Birth is an act of Heaven.  It is something that trumps all other life experiences that I have witnessed or probably ever will.  It is deep and rich and overpowering.  And I got to soak it all in and feel it's textures and hear it's sounds and bask in it, as not only were my babies born... but a Mama was delivered as well.

It's Mother's Day.

Mamas all over... I salute you.

I learn so much from you.

I love you.

And just by the virtue of "being" what I so long hoped to be, I am more aware, more present, more alive, more in love, and more happy.

I am a Mama.