Packing it All In...

Am I crazy or does planning for a vacation with only a part of your family leave you feeling... um, doomsday-ish?  Seriously, you should see the exorbitant number of emails I have sent off to family members that will be shuttling kiddos from hither to dither and hosting sleep overs and making meals and kissing ouchies, while I attempt to relax in the rays of the sun with my lova boy.  It would make you wonder if I was planning my own demise on this trip to paradise.  True story.

  

The thing is, you never plan to make your exit.  Heck, I accepted long ago you can plan, plan & plan some more, but you are NOT in control.  What I do know, is I want a contingency plan "just in case".  And saying contingency plan and having my eyes water as I type it, THAT, right there, makes me a mama.  It's my job to assure these tiny, perfect creatures who I skirt under my wings when the wind howls, that everything will be just fine. That Mommy & Daddy will always come back.  That their stays with cousins and Grandparents will be nothing but fun.  And it's also my job to answer all the "what ifs" and "as a precaution" concerns that run through my head as I pack up my snorkeling gear. 

Yep, Hold the Phone Sista... I am a mother.

There is no more "me" or even "me & him".  There is a whole group of us... a family  And I still remember every image of the pink peaceful newborn things that are the "hims" in my life that made us so.  They are the images I go back to when life gets rough and when life feels glorious.  They are the images I let my mind flash to when parenting is hard and I don't have the answers and they are less tiny and I am not the only thing they need for survival.  And these same images remind me how quickly and deeply that love for my "hims" began, and I find perspective and strength hidden in those memories.

I am not the willowy stick-legged teenager whose hips are unfamiliar with childbirth any more.  And though that girl was carefree & happy, this girl woman is completely and utterly in love with motherhood & life; and she wouldn't trade the worries and gray hairs (yep, they have arrived) for a minute.  I am a mother with a partner in life whom I adore.  And that is my identity forevermore.  It is intertwined with thoughts of feeling capable & strong and vulnerable & clouded.  And right now, it makes leaving for a vacation both disconcerting and totally elating.

I'm fairly certain I'll snap right on out of this little mama-guilt induced cyclone of over-planning once I see my first palm tree swaying in the island breeze...  {do you kind of want to give me a high five upside the head with the chair for painting that image?  I get it.  I will accept your cyber "high fives".}  Buuuuttt... for now, let there be worry lines along with a suitcase full of swimsuits & sundresses AND fifteen pages of schedules & itineraries for my little littles and all who will be caring for them.

Whew  :)